Darkness had me, hope saved me!!

This week I had a mayor relapse with depression, the blackness got hold of my body and mind to the point where I though I had given all in this life. I am not going to explain the motives or circumstances that made me vulnerable since that isn't really important. I am going to focus on how I was able to give myself another chance for life, happiness and love.

Depression had full control over my body, panic attacks piling up throughout day and night, heart rate racing, suicide thoughts pacing my mind and pure exhaustion consuming my body. There was only one thing I still could use to help me, HOPE.

Collapsed in my bed without being able to stop crying or shaking I asked for help! Not only to my immediate family members, but to other friends and must important to GOD. I did this out of desperation not expecting what came next.

Within an hour I had friends in my house helping me process my emotions and motivating me to keep going. A couple of hours later I had my church friends here helping me praise the Lord for being alive and safe. I felt a sense of community, peace and love that truly lifted the darkness and gave me the power and courage to keep going. 

If you are not a believer maybe this will not connect with you, but faith comes in many forms as I was able to discover. It comes in gentle reminders of how important you are, how loved you are and how important your life is. In a hug, a smile and even a gentle message.

I am blessed with friends that don't condemned me for my disease, that don't mind seeing me suffer to help me move forward and most important are there to offer me love and support. Lifting the darkness is a personal effort and decision, but without my family, friends, doctors and GOD it will be almost imossible.

Thank you to all that were there for me this week, all will love you and cherish you forever.

If you are reading right now and darkness is chasing your thoughts remember:

 

You too have this network, reaching out and showing how vulnerable you are isn't easy, but you never know who will show at your door!! Depression is terrifying and incapacitating but you ALWAYS deserve to keep going!!!

Blessings in the sky

Today I experienced one of the biggest fears of my life, a panic attack while being alone in an airplane travelling from Kuala Lumpur to Taipen on my way to my daughters graduation at Ohio State. Everything started many weeks before when the idea of travelling so far alone started to creep inside my brain. I started to feel worry and anguish even though I have travelled alone many times before. This time was different and I never understood why. Now I feel that maybe it was a lesson I had to learn. It all started in the morning while getting ready to go to the airport. I started feeling anxiety, restlessness, stomach pain, nausea and numbness in my face and limbs. I started wondering if I would be able to attend the graduation; I doubted myself till the last minute before boarding. By the time I was sitting inside the plane I had already taken anti anxiety medication #1 without mayor help. The airplane started the engine and my anxiety transformed into a full panic attack. My body froze and I had all sorts of negative thoughts in my head which where being impossible to control. At this point I decided to use my stronger medication which I knew will put me to sleep.  Others in the airplane were asleep, and there I was crying and shaking without control. A couple of times I went to the toilet to cry and talk to myself in the mirror and convince myself that I needed help. I reached out to the ariplane crew at China Airliness, with fear of criticism and rejection.  I got the contrary, they were so supportive and caring, they assured me I was not alone and allowed me to take a full road of seats in the back of the ariplane next to them in case I needed something else. There after taking a stronger anti-anxiety medication I was able to fall asleep for a few hours. Upon waking I needed some juice and water which they provided with a big smile asking how I was feeling. I  noticed that they were truly worried and not anoyed by my mental breakdown which was a huge blessing. This has been the roughest travel experience of my life!! But I found that there are others that care and that are willing to help. Even though I am still shaken from this experience and a bit worried for the upcoming 14 hour flight from Taipei to New York, I feel safer being by myself because I know that with some prayers for Gods help and protection, reaching out for the medication in a timely manner and if required asking for help I can deal with this. ANXIETY will not stop me from doing what I LOVE!!  I am a strong advocate of no-shame about mental heath problems, and today I had to be strong and ask total strangers for help, allow them in my world of fear and the lesson was huge. Some might say, how can you be having anxiety when something so amazing is about to happen!! (My daughters Graduation) You should be super excited!! My answer is: Yes I am overly excitet but anxiety is a disease and it comes when it is less appropriate or welcome. Overcoming this fear will make my experience way more worth it and once I hug my daughter when I finally arrive to Ohio I will feel like a hero and will be ready to celebrate with her to the max!!

ANXIETY will never stop me from doing what I LOVE!!

 

Re-focus, re-wire, re-born

When we live our lives through worry and anxiety, usually the focus is towards all the things that seem to make our life more complicated, dangerous or difficult. While focusing on all of that it is very hard to fully observe all the little things that can create a change in the way we are perceiving our existence.There are little things around us that can make us smile, feel happy, and in that way change our perspective of things. 

The other morning while walking I was thinking about all the things I had to do that day, plus all the planning necessary for an upcoming trip. I was feeling hot and uncomfortable, complaining in my mind about the weather. All of these and many more thoughts raising in my mind were creating a sense of stress and anxiety in my body. My heart was racing and my breathing was shallow.

Suddenly I turn my head and saw this tiny little flower and that was enough to re-focus my thoughts and realize that there are blessings everywhere. By doing this switch in my mind, I helped re-wire my brain; this is something I have been doing for awhile. It is part of the mindful way of walking that I talked about in a previous post. 

I started to pay closer attention to my surroundings noticing more beautiful flowers, a bird, other dogs and the people passing by; all of these distracted my mind from my worries and engaged all my senses in the present moment, giving me a sense of calmness and peace.

Switching the way I was perceiving my environment created a complete change in the way I was thinking and feeling. The anxious feeling disappeared and I was able to put things back in perspective and realize that by worrying about all the things I had to do I was only wasting the opportunity of enjoying the moment, be mindful and re-center myself. 

Our thoughts can create situations that our bodies do not have capacity to differentiate between real and not real. When our minds are running from one thing to another, our bodies believe we are in real danger and secrete all the necessary hormones and neuro transmitters to help us react quickly to go back into safety. 

The problem arises when there is not a real threat; we are not in real danger, or need to run and escape to save our lives. These hormones that have already been thrown into our system make us feel like uneasy, increase our heart rate and breathing opening the door wide open for anxiety and panic to invade our body. 

Being able to control our minds and catch this unhealthy patterns of thinking before our body reacts to them is a powerful way of managing anxiety; requires practice and patience, but when incorporated in our daily living it can improve our general health. Avoiding the release of these fight or fly response chemical in our body whenever they are not needed will lower stress, improve our cardiovascular and emotional health. 

It is all in the way we manage our mental processes and how aware we are about them. Practice re-focusing, to be able to re-wire and with a new mental path re-born.

The original road.

Don't engage with the ANTs

Remove the food that feeds the ANTs

Accepting love and support is difficult to do when anxiety and depression keep telling me I am not worth it, I am a failure, I am a burden to others, I should be able to just get over it,  people would be better without me, etc.

Automatic Negative talks (ANTs) is one of the most destructive and difficult things to cope with during depressive episodes or anxiety attacks. They come hand in hand with the sadness, lack of motivation, crying spells, lack of energy, fear and worry.

At the beginning I struggled a lot with this self-sabotaging, self-hurting thinking patterns; but with time and practice I have been able to manage them and regain control of my mind, obtaining self-acceptance and self-love in the process.

It is important to identify when they are starting to happen and stop them right then, because if they get louder they become like a rolling snow ball; the bigger it gets, the more destruction it causes. One of the most important thing I used to do when I first started working on controlling them was not to engage in conversation with them or try to understand why they happen.

For me prayer works wonders to freeze the ANTs in place until they disappear. Whenever I see them present in my thoughts I pray in a constant way until they become quiet, this can take a few minutes or more. When they are too strong and argumentative I combine swimming laps or indoor cycling and praying. I know it might sound strange but it is pretty effective.

Other techniques include: write them down, for every one you have write at least 2 positive things about yourself, get distracted with a book or a movie, go to the gym or an outside walk, take a shower, talk to people, work on some doodling; anything that distracts your mind and bring you down to the present moment.

Another alternative to make ANTs disappear is to use guided meditations. Fully engage with the breathing and the visual guidance, they are more powerful that what you think.

The most important thing is to stop believing what the ANTs tell you, they are only a symptom of the disease, not a reality on your life.

Even though you might feel like hiding and staying alone, allow others you love to be close to you; they are also scared, confused and want to help.

                                 You are valuable, loved, smart, needed and wanted.

Walking out of darkness

"When darkness comes Jesus is my savior"

 Have you ever woken up feeling someone or something is sitting on top of your chest? A feeling of tightness or pressure you can't really describe but won't allow you to breathe? Tingling in your fingers, hands and some days whole arms? When moving seems like an impossible task?

 I have many times, in the beginning when I had less awareness of the symptoms of depression and anxiety I will allow this feeling to consume my mornings. It is like wearing an invisible tight suit, that does not allow you to move or breathe.

Staying in bed or simply at home seemed to be the only way to deal with this uncomfortable feeling. After this happening several days in a row the fear of sleeping became a struggle, because I knew that when morning came, also the unwanted sensations. 

After getting more education about clinical depression, I understood that because of the neurochemicals that are secreted at night, people with this condition struggle primarily in the morning and after a few hours all gets balanced and the symptoms subside. That is if I don't allow them to grow until they surround my body and soul with a black tight blanket.

Medication helps relieve some of these symptoms but not all of them and not always. I found a way to help my body balance back, taking the power away from the dark force, making me feel more secure about how to handle my day and eventually my life.

 When I open my eyes and feel the unwanted presence of anxiety or depression I don't argue or give any power to it. I take immediate accion and start moving while praying to the Lord to keep me safe and secure in his loving arms.  I do all the chores that can't wait at home and then go out  and engage in mindfull walking for at least 30 minutes.

Some days I have to push myself out the door, even though all I want to do is sit on a corner and cry. Sunglasses are my best friend, since  I start my walking with tears flowing from my eyes. After a while I start feeling better. 

 Mindful walking is something that requires practice, with time it becomes easier. To be mindful while walking I allow all my senses to connect with the now, feel the temperature on my skin, the smells on my nose (sometimes nice and sometimes not), look around to see who is there or admire the flowers, if people approach them I talk to them even when I want to be invisible. All these complemented with deep breathing helps my body balance back into safety and peace.

 The journey is not easy but it is worth it!! If you are struggling just remember, this is temporary and life is full of blessing, I know it is hard to truly grasp it when darkness comes, but it is true. Praying this will help you regain balance in life.

My walking companions

 

Depression the thief of inner peace

When depression knocks on your door, inner peace might seem unreachable.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 9 years ago and throughout these years I have felt several times that inner peace is something unreachable or not compatible with my current mental health. Specially at the beginning when I felt my life was over and I will never be able to interact with others the same way I was used to.

Depression not only knocked on my door, it destroyed the door while passing through like a thief. It took away my strength, hunger for life and inner peace replacing them with fear, sadness and anger. I had to spend time away from my family and relearn how to be self sufficient and at peace.

Through prayer, faith and love I have been able to cope with my disease by learning ways to help my body and soul feel safe, happy and stable again. It took me awhile to realize that depression and anxiety are mental illnesses and not a lack of character or something I could manage alone.

Once true understanding came I was able to slowly get better and accept the help of others to find healing.  This has not been an easy process; there has been several medications, psychiatrists, psychologists and different kinds of therapies.

At the beginning I thought that medication will heal me just like an antibiotic cures a strep throat infection, but with time I understood that it was going to take more than that. Depression and anxiety are a combination of chemical imbalance in my brain and past trauma that has deep roots in my subconscious mind.

Through different therapies I have been able to untangle some of this roots and work through the healing process required to let them loose and eventually released. Currently I have long periods of stability mixed with short ones of depression. I have learned how to overcome them faster each time with faith, self-discipline, self-love and self-acceptance; combined with medication, maintenance therapy, excercise, nutrition, prayer and good sleep among other things.

In this blog I will try to share as much as possible about my experience and hope that I can share faith, healing and support to whoever is struggling with this mental health condition.