Darkness had me, hope saved me!!

This week I had a mayor relapse with depression, the blackness got hold of my body and mind to the point where I though I had given all in this life. I am not going to explain the motives or circumstances that made me vulnerable since that isn't really important. I am going to focus on how I was able to give myself another chance for life, happiness and love.

Depression had full control over my body, panic attacks piling up throughout day and night, heart rate racing, suicide thoughts pacing my mind and pure exhaustion consuming my body. There was only one thing I still could use to help me, HOPE.

Collapsed in my bed without being able to stop crying or shaking I asked for help! Not only to my immediate family members, but to other friends and must important to GOD. I did this out of desperation not expecting what came next.

Within an hour I had friends in my house helping me process my emotions and motivating me to keep going. A couple of hours later I had my church friends here helping me praise the Lord for being alive and safe. I felt a sense of community, peace and love that truly lifted the darkness and gave me the power and courage to keep going. 

If you are not a believer maybe this will not connect with you, but faith comes in many forms as I was able to discover. It comes in gentle reminders of how important you are, how loved you are and how important your life is. In a hug, a smile and even a gentle message.

I am blessed with friends that don't condemned me for my disease, that don't mind seeing me suffer to help me move forward and most important are there to offer me love and support. Lifting the darkness is a personal effort and decision, but without my family, friends, doctors and GOD it will be almost imossible.

Thank you to all that were there for me this week, all will love you and cherish you forever.

If you are reading right now and darkness is chasing your thoughts remember:

 

You too have this network, reaching out and showing how vulnerable you are isn't easy, but you never know who will show at your door!! Depression is terrifying and incapacitating but you ALWAYS deserve to keep going!!!

Blessings in the sky

Today I experienced one of the biggest fears of my life, a panic attack while being alone in an airplane travelling from Kuala Lumpur to Taipen on my way to my daughters graduation at Ohio State. Everything started many weeks before when the idea of travelling so far alone started to creep inside my brain. I started to feel worry and anguish even though I have travelled alone many times before. This time was different and I never understood why. Now I feel that maybe it was a lesson I had to learn. It all started in the morning while getting ready to go to the airport. I started feeling anxiety, restlessness, stomach pain, nausea and numbness in my face and limbs. I started wondering if I would be able to attend the graduation; I doubted myself till the last minute before boarding. By the time I was sitting inside the plane I had already taken anti anxiety medication #1 without mayor help. The airplane started the engine and my anxiety transformed into a full panic attack. My body froze and I had all sorts of negative thoughts in my head which where being impossible to control. At this point I decided to use my stronger medication which I knew will put me to sleep.  Others in the airplane were asleep, and there I was crying and shaking without control. A couple of times I went to the toilet to cry and talk to myself in the mirror and convince myself that I needed help. I reached out to the ariplane crew at China Airliness, with fear of criticism and rejection.  I got the contrary, they were so supportive and caring, they assured me I was not alone and allowed me to take a full road of seats in the back of the ariplane next to them in case I needed something else. There after taking a stronger anti-anxiety medication I was able to fall asleep for a few hours. Upon waking I needed some juice and water which they provided with a big smile asking how I was feeling. I  noticed that they were truly worried and not anoyed by my mental breakdown which was a huge blessing. This has been the roughest travel experience of my life!! But I found that there are others that care and that are willing to help. Even though I am still shaken from this experience and a bit worried for the upcoming 14 hour flight from Taipei to New York, I feel safer being by myself because I know that with some prayers for Gods help and protection, reaching out for the medication in a timely manner and if required asking for help I can deal with this. ANXIETY will not stop me from doing what I LOVE!!  I am a strong advocate of no-shame about mental heath problems, and today I had to be strong and ask total strangers for help, allow them in my world of fear and the lesson was huge. Some might say, how can you be having anxiety when something so amazing is about to happen!! (My daughters Graduation) You should be super excited!! My answer is: Yes I am overly excitet but anxiety is a disease and it comes when it is less appropriate or welcome. Overcoming this fear will make my experience way more worth it and once I hug my daughter when I finally arrive to Ohio I will feel like a hero and will be ready to celebrate with her to the max!!

ANXIETY will never stop me from doing what I LOVE!!